Martyrmom

As with most tasks in my life, I tend to plunge in headfirst, engulf myself completely in the process of learning about the details, and devote most of my time and energy to it.  Well, unless we are talking about some household tasks, then I can be a little lackadaisical at times, but who can be anal about everything?!  In any case, I have tackled this 'career' of motherhood head-on, so much so that it seems that minute things become a matter of life or death at times.  Our nap situation; going day by day, it has been an adjustment for all, but one that I feel will work out for the best. Have I worried about it constantly? YES. Have I cried out of frustration (and hormones)? YES. Is it that big of a deal? NO.  My son will not remember these times of his life, and he is a very happy and healthy little man, so there are many blessings that I must count right this minute.
However, in taking on my role as 'mom' I seem to have also taken on this other complex of having to do everything with it comes to parenthood and that taking a 'break' would be a guilt-ridden fest of self denial.  I have become one of those moms who takes their kid everywhere with them and when at home, I found myself rushing to get my chores completed in the mere hour of a nap so that I could focus attention to my son when he wakes up.  What?!  As a teacher, I know what kind of spoiled monster this can create, for both of us to become so dependent on one another.  Now I'm not saying that my son is incapable of self-entertainment, as he has been Mr. Independent from birth, but this complex has driven me to feel as if I am not doing my 'job' if I do not spend his waking hours engaging him in learning, playing, adventure, etc. I do have to complete household tasks and dinner while he is awake, but the thought of doing something that I enjoy doing like reading (ha ha, I know) or finishing his newborn scrapbook (yeah he's going on 2...) can be done while he is awake sends me into a panic that I am not doing right by my son if I am not focused on him.  I am realizing that with the second mere months away that this train of thought will seriously derail in my face once I bring that baby home. Yet, why is it so hard to take some time for yourself once you become a mom?  I want to know that it is okay to drop him off at a sitter so I can get some things done. (well if I had one other than when my husband is free) I sorta envy my working friends that have family or a daycare that they can plop their child in so they can have an afternoon "free".  I want to know that I should go ahead and spend a monthly fee on a gym so I can swim and workout without having to chase him around. I'd like to schedule my Dr. appointments for anytime, so I don't have to worry about interfering with lunch or a nap.  I'd love an afternoon at the beach with my girlfriends where I can SIT IN A CHAIR and actually have a continuous conversation about something other than diapers and naps.  But I don't think I deserve any of this as I truly feel that signing up to be a SAHM means that is what I do, 24/7 and that this is just my new way of life, so suck it up.  Is that my new reality that I am still reaching for the 'old' me or am I stringing myself up on cross here unable to grow into my new position as a mother and accept that I do still exist?